Freaking cats. I hate cats. The only thing I hate more than cats are live cats. The only thing I hate more than live cats are live cats in heat. The only thing I hate more than live cats in heat are live cats in heat sitting on my neighbor’s front porch. The only thing I hate more than live cats in heat sitting on my neighbor’s porch are live cats in heat sitting on my neighbor’s front porch at 1am. I think that deserves an webonym… TOTIHMTLCIHSOMNPA1AM. Yeah, I hate cats.

So I jump out of bed cause it sounds like children are crying at the top of their lungs only to realize that it’s the stupid cats that have been plaguing me for the past 7 months. The cats nobody apparently owns. The cats no one apparently wants to fix. The cats I must not say publicly that I want to kill. So I jump out of bed at 1am, throw on my shorts and exit the front of the house – shirtless. I have no fear. After all, these are cats.

So I listen for the noise since I am not yet certain where they are. Ah there it is – apparently on my neighbor’s porch. I creep around to the front of the porch where I see two stupid-looking cats (is there any other kind?) screaming at each other for no reason apparently locked in some kind of “you can’t scare me and I’m really itchin’ for some love” kind of way. Seriously, I don’t understand the heat thing… If you need something to happen, go do it – don’t scream about it for hours on end until someone wakes up and comes to kick your butt. I ran at them and they leaped off my neighbors porch onto our shared driveway. I ran at them again – fully intent on connecting at least one head with my foot, but they split and ran – one behind a tree and another in front of my house. I went after the second one – chasing it to a neighbor’s porch. At this point I realized that since I had neither a) a gun, b) a tazer, or c) perfected my telekinetic abilities to move/mutilate/destroy/crush matter without touching it, I had best return to my bed and plot my next steps…

These cats who I am not saying publicly that I will now kill of course, must go away. But if I were (hypothetically) going to kill a cat, I’d love some ideas from you readers. I am thinking that rat poison in a dish of catfood would do nicely. I have heard that antifreeze is also the bomb because it smells and tastes sweet. Of course I will call Animal Control and ask if they can put out some traps. The only problem is I have no faith in Animal Control. They are the ones that told me raccoons are apparently a protected species in the downtown area. WHAT?!? Protected? How about you come and GET them so that you can protect them from my foot? That would probably be the best protection they could be offered.

But seriously, I love animals. Typically medium and with just a hint of seasoning.

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